Life Is A Miracle

Struggling

Today I stayed at home. I didn’t go to lectures as I had to write that thesis essay for Academic Writing. Deadline is tomorrow at 5 pm. I have written almost two pages and the third supporting argument and conclusion is left. I am writing about importance of leadership in my country as this is a really hot topic for me. I have even written about it here a little bit. The current situation in my country really annoys me.

Writing essays has never been hard for me. In my own language I am really brilliant in writing. I always got the highest marks at school. I never got less than 9 out of nine. But that was a special case. I got 10s all the time. But, shit, now I am really struggling. My head hurts, my right shoulder hurts, mu back hurts. I feel sick and tired. I will just go to bed now and stay at home tomorrow as well to finish my work. Lets hope that in the morning I will feel better and that muse will visit me. It will be a crappy essay anyway. It is possible to fail even if the command of written English is not so good. Only because of language, not to mention that bloody structure with thesis statement, topic sentences, independent supporting arguments, etc. I will not be very surprised if I fail. All the text I have written seems like some kind of nightmare of a sick dog. I feel really, really sick, stressed and tired. My eyes are tired from computer and now I am just going to bed. Who would have said that writing could be so tiring? Wanted challenge when applied for this school? Here it comes now!

At least I hope I will have sweet dreams this night. Yeah, indeed.

A Habit

One more glass destroyed. Yes, I have a talent to break plates, glasses and whatever comes in front of me. At least one destroyed dish a week. Is it called a temperament or what? Arrgh.

Now And Here

Hmm, yesterday Statistics started and today we also had two lectures. However, now its already a new day which means that it was not yesterday but the day before yesterday. Quite weird things are turning out in Statistics. “There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.”- Benjamin Disraeli has said. Now it really starts to look like that. Hmm. what else? Yes, regarding yesterday’s letter from administration about re-exam in Math, they have posponed it two days later. Anyway, I am still screwed. And regarding thesis essay- I still haven’t started writing. Its damn crazy. Tomorrow is free, I have no lectures & stuff. Only concert and probably a little, improvised party at some pub with a very close friend of mine, because its his special day tomorrow. So most likely I will meet some guys from the choir again. Mmm, I am naughty.

At the moment I am sitting in my room, while in the kitchen there are my mum’s friends who are working in the UK. Somewhere not far from Leeds. By the way, I was accepted in the University of Leeds as well.  I just rejected. So now they are here and they are drinking cognac and chatting despite the fact that it is already 2 am.

Some Findings

I have found this blog. Seems interesting. And because of the inspiration it has given me now I am downloading Secret Diary Of A Call Girl (2007), season #1. Might be interesting. We’ll see. And yes, because of the same blog yesterday I watched Secretary (2002) by Steven Shainberg. I read good comments on this film, but unfortunately I had waited for something more. 7 out of 10.

Monday, Monday

Today I had a choir rehearsal together with other female and male choirs, because the day after tomorrow we have a concert together. And very, very unpleasant message surprised me while I was waiting for rehearsal to start. Suddenly I received an e-mail, that the re-exam in Math is after ONE WEEK!!!! OMG! Next Monday!! I am screwed. I know nothing. Meanwhile I have to write a thesis essay till Friday. I haven`t even started to. I am dead.

A Calm Evening With Guys

Aaagh, I spent this night in one guy’s flat. He is some kind of acquaintance to me. Cuz this summer I was in Italy with my choir and there I met him. Of course, he is of my nationality too. He is also singing in male choir and they have the same conductor we have so he was coming to Italy with us, female choir. So somehow I was forced to be with him. Firstly I saw how he is watching at me, “evaluating”, watching at my figure, body, etc. Passion was obvious. And I like him too, I desire him. Sometimes he is even appearing in my fantasies. He is taller and he is not thin- that  is what I like. I love broad shoulders, strong arms. He is also fuckin smart, he will finish IB class this year, which means he is younger. However, he looks far more older than I am. At the same time he is kinda shy, silent. So he was watching at me and pretending that he is not. I saw how he looks at my breasts, neck, back, arms. I saw he desires me sexually. I was wearing quite sexy clothes, as it was extremely hot there. Dresses, skirts in light colors, so light that you can even see sexy underwear under. And in one of the hotels we lived during our trip he was living in the room above mine and we, three girls, invited them to come downstairs to our balcony and drink and chat a little bit and so on. So we drank, chatted, laughed, sang, etc., but nothing happened. I mean, we were not getting to know each other better. We were silent, when everyone left us alone, just two of us, I didn’t know what to do, what to say. He was looking for words, finding something to ask me. Sometimes I see him, when we have rehearsals or concerts together with male choir. So it was yesterday. Our choir had that contest yesterday and we got 4th place. Shame. And after contest there was a concert where choirs were presenting new songs, recently written. So we were singing together with that male choir. I know few other guys from that choir, some of them are coming to the bar on Wednesdays and we are singing together and all that stuff. So yesterday after the concert we were also going to the bar. There were 5 guys and I. One of them is a very close friend of mine. But one is always coming to the bar, we like to sing together and in the last two weeks I have started to think about him more often than it would be polite. What I mean is that I like him in a way. He is modest, kinda shy and silent and at the same time naughty and joyful. His jokes make me laugh. (And as Marilyn Monroe has said if you can make girl laugh you can make her do anything). After a short moment two guys left. And my friend wanted to buy weed so he was leaving us too, but he said he would be back after some time. Those two guys- acquaintance and that one I like were staying there. They decided to go to acquaintance’s flat, watch films, drink beer, smoke weed and so on. So I was going with them, we waited for my friend while he buys weed and then we were going to that flat. So what to say. I was joking and laughing with that guy from the bar all the time. I really had a good time. They smoked weed and at that moment I really started to think that this will end up outside in a bad way. Which means that I would have probably kissed with one of them or something like that. I was surprised, but nothing like that happened. That guy I like was sleepy and fell asleep very soon. And my good friend also fell asleep some time after that. So and and the flat’s owner were watching movie silently. Movie was the District 9 (2009), extremely uninteresting movie. I really didn’t enjoy it. I was pretty bored. When movie ended we were smoking outside, it was very cold. We almost didn’t speak a word. We came back, he showed me a room, where to sleep. It seemed his parents’ room. As I was entering the room, I said something like “wow”, because I really liked the room. Light furniture, books, CDs, big bed, PC. Looked almost like my room. Yeah, by the way I saw two guitars and piano in that guys room. That was pretty surprising. And fascinating at the same time, because I play both the piano and the guitar. When I entered that room I even said, that unfortunately I cannot concentrate my attention to the movie, but only on the guitars. So I was sitting there in that room, that looked almost like mine. I was trying to catch internet on the phone, through wifi to check my e-mail. While I was doing it, he came in the room and asked, if everything is OK. Yes, it was. Almost. It would have been better, if someone was next to me, embracing and kissing me, but OK. They are both kinda shy and it might be stupid to hope they will start something unexpectedly. I also thought, that weed or alcohol will help them open. But we were just joking, laughing, et cetera. I decided to sleep there without clothes. I left the door open, put the clothes so that if someone goes by the room and looks in, can see my clothes there (and imagine that I am naked there…). So I was sleeping there alone in underwear and thinking about them. More about that acquaintance. But whatever. The evening was nice anyway. Hopefully I will meet them all tomorrow, because we have rehearsal together.

And- I have the exam on Micro tomorrow!!! Help! But I am drinking and dreaming about men instead. Hell, yeah!

After The Concert

So it was our choir’s concert in the church today. The concert was nice, the church was full of spectators as always. This is a choir’s tradition- concert at St. Peter’s church every year in 11.11. Male choir also accompanied for two completely new songs (both premieres). I saw that close friend’s parents as well, however, they are not of my nationality and probably didn’t understand all the lyrics. But when I asked my friend (we could call him A. ), he said they liked the concert. Another friend of mine came to the concert as well. Afterwards we had sandwiches and a glass of hot wine as the church was quite cold and it was cold and windy outside too. And then we went to bar with my friend, some guys from the male choir and their friends, etc. Then to another bar. We were singing our songs on our way through the old city. I went to my last train quite soon. However, everyone was quite satisfied and happy after the concert so there was an idea to stay in one girl’s flat. But I came home instead as I have lectures at 8 am tomorrow. The question is if I will really be there at 8. I am not so sure.

Next Plans

I am completely crazy. I didn’t go to lectures again. But I will go to the capital to take those posters and flayers and to go to choir rehearsal. Shit. I will be kicked out soon if I continue this way. Now I am sitting at home and thinking about 6 month long  internship in California. There is presentation and interviews (I guess) tomorrow at our university. Plus this internship is paid. And California!!!! OMG. I want it. I need money for housing ($395.00), transportation ($135.00), taxes ($100.00), medical insurance ($35.00), training fee ($175.00) +$750 for visa and +$170 for SEVIS monitoring. +plane ticket approx. 2x$700.  That is $1760 + $1400 for plane tickets. That is 3160 in total. Its not a cheap entertainment, but anyway. I think I will try to do something about it tomorrow. So we will see. However, other students will try to get there as well and they are good and talented, lalala. That means, that possibility is not very high.  Anyway, if I try, I will do my best.

I am listening to this song and now I will look for something to eat and hopefully study Micro. And then going to the capital, solarium, advertising materials for theatre and rehearsal with male choir.

Plans

Today I stayed at home. I thought that I have lectures today and I woke up at 11, because I thought I have Academic Writing at 13. But then for some reason I decided, that I will skip and sleep more. Suddenly at 13 mum came home to have a lunch (she works 5min from home) and she was surprised and little bit angry, that I am at home, which means that I am skiping lectures. She even asked, whether I am still studying at the university. And then later I found out, that my intuition has helped me, because actually there were no lectures today, just Writing lab, which basically is optional stuff, when we can go to our lecturer, show some exercises or paragraphs from essay and ask what he thinks about our works. So I would have gone to school and found out that I shouldn’t have come. Thanks to intuition. I went to manicure instead and now I have real artwork on my nails. The color of cherries as background and abstract flowers in pink and purple on it. Plus some shiny little diamonds. I am not blonde girl with gel nails, super-duper make-up and little dog in the bag. But I enjoy paintings on my nails a lot. Especially if this week I will sing in two concerts. So there is nothing extraordinary about it.

Tomorrow in the morning I will get those posters and flayers for the next theatre project and start promoting. Then Academic Writing, seminar in Micro and General meeting with Student association, where SA will tell, what they have done during the last year, and we will vote for Election Committee, because soon new SA board will be elected. And afterwards I have choir rehearsal together with male choir. They will also sing two songs together with us on Wednesday. Unfortunately I didn’t study for Micro today, so I am a bad, bad girl. But I don’t want to fail, so I will try to do something tomorrow. Hopefully.

Currently I am listening to Marilyn Manson as this weekend I am going to his concert. I am listening to this song now.

Next

I am currently listening to Taylor Mitchell and soon I will go to bed. I will just finish watching Couples retreat (2009) and probably read some stuff on the net. I had expected this movie would be more interesting. As I already said, I don’t like comedies but I just thought it might be interesting to check out what is going on in this genre. I downloaded the best comedies uploaded in the past month according to rating I found. Unfortunately Hangover was the only movie from those I downloaded, which was interesting and funny. At some point it even brought me back memories about my crazy adventures.

Tomorrow I have only Academic Writing and on next Monday there is a Micro exam which means that I need to study a lot this week. So I will try to do it tomorrow. I really hope I will. I have to. I must to.

Life Is Now

I just finished watching Proposal (2009) and this movie was quite interesting. In general I don’t like comedies, because often they are stupid, but this one was OK.

Yesterday I stayed at home as I didn’t have lectures. Our school has its anniversary this weekend and there is a party, but I am afraid I am not going. Yesterday I went to a concert at one club. There were some bands playing indie rock. And this morning I had choir rehearsal again. We will have rehearsal on Monday and Tuesday as well, as there is a concert on Wednesday. And on Saturday we take part in choir contest, however, main persons in our choir are not sure yet, if we really take part in that contest, I mean we can reject this offer at the last moment. And at weekend I am going to Marilyn Manson’s concert. And afterwards on Monday I have exam in Microeconomics. So I don’t know when I will study for this exam, which basically means, that I have to study NOW.

+Yesterday that theatre institution offered me to work with them on one more project. It is related to dance, there will also be two performances in the next two weeks and I am responsible for advertising materials (posters, leaflets) again.

Today after choir rehearsal I was going to a restaurant together with a very close friend of mine. I was drinking hot wine and we chatted for a short time. We are very good friends for more than 3 years and if someone says that friendship between men and women is impossible, I can assure this person that it IS possible. Currently he is not studying anywhere (he is as old as I am) and just taking part in European Youth Parliament, traveling around, doing things he likes. Anyway he is not sitting at home and watching TV. And then in spring or autumn he will start studying in Germany PR or advertising, as he said, ideally both could be combined in one programme. He is active and sociable and so on so I believe everything will be totally OK with him. Somehow he didn’t get as much points in his IB course. He took too many advanced courses. Now he is kinda “recovering” from all this stuff and his fail is an issue he really doesn’t want to talk about. Whatever, shit happens and we live further. By the way he is the one who has inspired me a lot to set new goals, go further, achieve more. Because he is like that, he has showed me an example and that is why I am very thankful. Without him I would be in other place now. And that’s for sure. He also has this Life is now attitude. And one can only agree.

Attitude

So today I didn’t go to lectures (Academic Writing and seminar in Micro) and stayed at home. But in the evening I went to the capital anyway as I had choir rehearsal. And after choir rehearsal I went to restaurant with my friend again. I even ordered pasta with tuna again. Actually I must say, that I can feel that vile attitude from her again. Jealousy? But why? What exactly makes her feel like that? Last days I have started to think that it’s because that guy, whom I wrote about two posts back. Because she might have thought they would  be together or something and then she had to find out, that he does like that all the time and she is nothing more than just one more toy in his life. But I think she must have understood it before, it’s quite obvious. And now she is trying to get her disappointment out of her by being nasty to other people. Fuck it. Every time she does it, I just ignore it and act like if I felt nothing. After some time she is nice again, because I am just ignoring her attitude. I am even becoming nicer and kinder to cope with it and to show that you can be nice as well. This is annoying, and she has to live through it. Anyway there is nothing to be sad or disappointed about. I guess it is quite clear that he is such kind of person. Or maybe I am wrong and this is not because of that guy but there are some other reasons. Anyway, I am not neither a bunny she can spit her frustration to nor I am supposed to cope with this situation for a long time. Probably at one moment I will just disappear from her horizon and come back when she will be OK again.

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