Life Is A Miracle

Before The Little Trip

I am home for the second day, but I am yearning for him so much. So we arranged a meeting today, but not that I am going to the capital, but he comes to my side by train, I get into this train and we are going some stops further than I live. For me it takes less than 20 minutes. So he will come to this side after an hour, and after another 40 minutes he would have spent in the train I will hop in and we will go further together for 20 minutes. And then we will have a walk outside in the fresh air. It’s not very cold outside, it is not snowing, however, everything is white, I see little birds outside, probably looking for something to eat. I am listening to Zemfira, lublu tvaiij zabutanij volos, i davai ja pazvanu tibe iso raz, pamalcu, drinking water and after finishing this post I am going to go and have a bath. And then to the train to meet him. I am also downloading film for us to watch when I meet him, Babel. I have seen this movie before, but whatever. I really liked it and I hope he hasn’t seen it, so we could watch it together.

I have some kind of suspicion that somehow this little trip is special for him. He has spent some time there in that little village we are going to. He has told me how he was waking up in the morning, wearing shorts and nothing else, going to the sea, going till nudist beach and swimming there naked. And after that going back to his summerhouse or something like that. As far as I understood it has been in the period he was already divorcing with the second special women in his life (the first one was his first wife). They were not married, but I still understand he was (or is????) loving her more than any other women. When he said we could go somewhere out and have a walk or go to the sea, I said we could go to the place that is two stops before my stop. I have spent quite a lot of time there and I know that place very well. But he said he didn’t want. He said he wanted to go there where we would go now. He said he could tell me something about himself and his past, about his life. So I took it seriously, so God knows what we would do there. But I am ready for almost anything. And in the morning he was still not sure we would really go there. So there should be something special about it all. We’ll see.

And some hours ago he also sent me a message that there in the dunes are pines… I asked like so what? he just sent me a kiss. Before that I was thinking what if we had sex there. In the wood or near the sea or… Hmm, but it’s cold outside, however, I have had such kind of experience in the winter before, so it wouldn’t be a surprise. However, no, it would. Hmm, and I believe he could find a place, where to do it. I am extreme enough and he is as well, so we might find a place. When he sent that message, I understood what could be the issue he was talking about. So we will see, what will happen. Hmm, I am really curious… And I am looking forward to meeting him.

Huh. I miss him. :*

And now I am going to have a bath.

Hug Me, Embrace Me

Sitting in R.’s flat. He is cleaning walls, because they are dirty with sperm. Without jokes. It’s more than crazy.

Plus now it’s only four o clock, but we have had sex four times already. However, it could be even crazier. And I am not going to the school again. Jesus.

We woke at 6 a.m. Then we spoke about something and had sex. At eight we were preparing breakfast. After that we were speaking about many things, his youth and so on. Then we started to watch a movie, Inglorious Basterds. We didn’t finish it, when we were having sex again. I don’t remember, what and how exactly happened after that. Be there were two more times after those two. Huh.

I love it.

Yearning

I really, really yearn for him. I have never yearned so much for him. He just wrote me a message that he also yearns for me and will try to go to bed just so that it would be easier.

I have yearned for other guys like that, but not for him.

Plus I was watching the movie, Hangover with my parents (God knows why my dad bought that movie today!) and my mobile phone was charging in my room, so I wasn’t answering to R.’s messages. So he had sent me 5 messages in an hour. I wrote him that we with my parents would watch a movie before. But I really felt so sorry, when I read those messages, where he asked, which movie and where was I disappearing,  and what was going on. Fuck, I am so sorry. I wrote him I was sorry and said we were watching Hangover. When the movie ended, I asked him, what was he doing, he said he was also watching a movie and trying to focus on in, but he couldn’t.

Fuck, I really yearn for him so bad. I am kinda sad, I really miss him.

Finally At Home

Currently I am listening to Pink Floyd, Shine On You Crazy Diamond.

I am home now, I came home yesterday at 7 p.m. as I had to be home to discuss homework at university. We have to do it in group, we are four, people seems more or less nice. In fact I have met only two of them, both guys and it was just once. First so-called  meeting with them. And there is also a girl, but I haven’t spoken to her yet. So I came home, cuz we arranged a conference in Skype at 8 p.m., but it turned out we had this homework only for Tuesday to be done, so we didn’t do anything, but will meet tomorrow and discuss the task and do it.

The problem is that tomorrow we have the exam in Managerial Economics and the thing is that I know nothing, so I am not going anyway. I have attended only one lecture in ME, it was pretty boring, I didn’t also understand the things the lecturer (a famous economist) was talking about, I also didn’t understand homework for the next day, so I haven’t done anything for this subject. All the time I am with R., sleeping, eating, talking, having sex, watching movies, smoking, drinking in the evening, having bath and doing nothing. It’s even harder, because he is not going out of home, so we are together almost all the time. We have to do something about that business. We have to start something. We wanted to start something this week, however, we didn’t manage anything. It was meant to be on Thursday, as the women who lives there in the crazy flat, is also interested in working there, (but not as a manager or something, but just simple worker), but we didn’t arrange the deal with her this week, so we will try to do it the following week. Plus the other guy who was also meant to help with that other business, said he couldn’t manage all the things related to the internet, so I will do this together with R. He hates internet as well and uses computer only as much as he is forced to. So I will have a thing to do.

So if we did something at least, we could live separately from all those crazy people there and enjoy calm atmosphere together, only two of us. He already offered a flat. But as we don’t have so much money, we cannot. The thing, of course, is, that I am not ready for living together, being together every day, cleaning, cooking, buying products and so on. I am just not ready to be with a man, who has lived together with many many women and who knows how it can be and who most likely has some kind of expectations about it. However, he already knows about my sense of cleanliness. If I clean, I clean for a long time and very accurately. If I don’t, then I don’t or if I do it just to check that I have done it, then I am not satisfied. And yes, I do it slowly. Some days ago R. said me he liked how I wash dishes. He said it looks so sexy, it makes him horny. He likes watching at me as I do something. For example, I clean the TV, he says he likes the view, I clean dishes, he says he wants me. He said first he thought I was tarrying and did it too slowly, but now he said he even liked the way I washed dishes. Or when I am going to the room to take plastic bag to put in the bin, I feel how he is looking at me, and I come back and he asks me, when was the last time he said me I had sexy body. I said I didn’t know, when. He said it was good. I asked if it was good because otherwise I would become arrogant. He said it was.

I really miss him now. I am without him just for little bit more than 24 hours. Yesterday my parents also wanted to have a talk with me. I thought I have to take myself together and go and talk to them. I was afraid. I thought my heart would jump out of my mouth. But I knew I should speak to them and make our relationship closer and better again instead of not talking all the time and not seeing them anymore. I was afraid they would ask something about the guy I was with or something. But nothing like that happened. They asked me how was it going, I said it was good. They asked where was I disappearing and why was I away and what is actually going on. I said nothing special is happening. Mostly my mum was speaking. She even asked when was I supposed to gather my things and take there, where I live. I didn’t also say, where I live and with whom and so on. She asked if she would be able to come and visit me. I fell silent, I didn’t even know, what to say. I think to this flat she cannot come anyway. She will only be able to come, when I will live separately with R. But then it will be clear, whom I am living with and what is really going on. Because now it seems they are not sure, what actually is going on.

They said they had no complaints if I come sometimes and wash my clothes and take clean ones and so on. But that they don’t like that they don’t know when I will be at home and when not. Because now the situation is that I come once a week, wash clothes and disappear again and don’t even talk to them. Almost like that. So they are not satisfied with it. They ask me to call and say when I will be or just to call and say how it is going. And mum reminded me that they are still paying my phone bills. Plus they ask me to leave my room in order so that my mum could sleep in my room when dad wants to watch TV. And I really don’t like this point. So they wanted to come to a conclusion- what is going to change. I said I didn’t know. That I am still living there, this is my home. She said I wasn’t living there as I am out of home more than at home. And it’s true. But I still feel as if I belong to this home, not there. So I let him understand I am still here. Plus they almost asked me sorry for asking that reference that I am still studying at my university. At one moment my mum said it was ok, if I washed my clothes and took there for a week. But I said it wasn’t like that now, as I am not taking anything. Then she asked if that means that I am going dirty to the school or what. But the thing is that I am not going to the school at all. I said I wasn’t dirty. She asked if I didn’t have to take towel there. I said I didn’t need one (as R. gave me one). She asked me if I was using others’ things. I said no, she asked where did I get my towel, I said it was given to me. My dad said when he was going to mum as a guest he didn’t ask a towel from home. I said that so do I. My mum looked at him and said like “Come on! When you were coming, didn’t I give you a towel”. Then my dad fell silent and said with a big surprise in his voice “Do you want to say she is living with a guy??!” My mum said she didn’t know where was I living and with whom. As my coat and clothes are stinking because of smoke, they were even joking that maybe I am living in a sect. We are trying to fight against this stinking with R., but we don’t really succeed. We are still smoking in our room sometimes. Mostly after sex or such kind of moments. So we really have to quit it. And that was pretty it. Plus my mums comment was that she wouldn’t argue with me about those things as my grandmother, her mum, was arguing that she comes to her too often or too seldom or doesn’t have something with her, or comes at the wrong time and so on.

So everything is more or less Ok in our relationship and I am truly happy about it.

Another Evening With Him

Today I woke up after 9 by my alarm clock on the phone as I had choir’s concert today. Later it turned out it was some kind of memorial event as a famous person has died. But it was really a memorial event not a funeral itself. So I had to go home, have a bath, take my sheets and the case and shoes and dress and to gather myself after two nights here. Plus we had sex in the morning before he made me breakfast and let away. Huh.

I went home, had a shower, put my jeans in the washing machine, made salads with ham for myself, put make-up and so on. I must say I feel rally bad if I cannot have bath and use creams and all that stuff. I feel more than good, when I can do it everyday. The problem is that here, in R.’s flat the quality of water is not so good as it’s capital and the centre. So my skin (and his skin as well) is getting really dry. And it makes me sick. So I was happy, when I could have bath with a normal water and spend some time for myself, alone without him.

Then I went to the capital, to choir rehearsal. I missed a train and a bus so I came only an hour after the rehearsal had started. As big stars usually do. However, I wrote a message that I would be late and they were not angry or something. Afterwards I went to R. He was in a strange mood, he was fixing some lamps and something (I must admit he is practical as hell) and so he was stressed about it and his mood was really strange. After that I smoked and he was msoking his pipe. Somehow we started speaking about the fact that he would like to fuck me in my choir’s dress. It’s long and purple. I said he should be very cautious then so that he doesn’t smudge it with his sperm. He said he would be very cautious. However, I know how it is and as were doing it without condoms, his sperm has been almost on all my clothes I have worn here. He has said before how he liked skirts, dresses and long stockings…  And I enjoy these things and when he is speaking about it it even makes me horny. And in one of the pictures I gave him on Wednesday, I am in a short dress, my legs look great (as they are tall) and it’s summer. I am smoking and the panorama of the old city is in the background. Plus the picture is black and white. And he said he knew what he would do if I had that dress now. I asked him, what and he didn’t want to say. I said I would say him something if he said me what he would like to do. He was smiling as crazy, he said he was even a little bit shy to say it. But then I somehow assured him he could say. He said he would say anyone in this flat go to that other side of the flat. And that he would like to take up that dress and, push me against the wall and fuck me. Huuh. I saw he was absolutely crazy from this thought. Plus he said he really liked that picture and if he didn’t know my body, he would see something else, but he knows my body so he wouldn’t even remove that dress, just take it up and fuck me. And then he asked me, what I was about to say him. I was hesitating but then I said I had something with me. He asked if these were stockings or what. I said I was fed up with sleeping in shirts or something. I have a short nightgown with me today, but I didn’t say it to him.

Now he is away for some time as he has a meeting with his partner he will start business together. And I am waiting for him here, in his room. While he was dressing to go out, I was kissing him, I was tempting him. I saw he was horny. At some point he pushed me against the window, which was frozen and cuddling my breasts, his hand was sliding down my pants. I was wet, it made him even more horny, he was touching my body and I was getting even more wet. We didn’t do anything.

So now I am listening to Cannonball by Damien Rice, waiting for him, and it seems we will have a very nice evening, so I cannot even wait. And I know he is also thinking of me and yearning and he said he wouldn’t be able to concentrate to his meeting. And I believe he wouldn’t. As I am wet here waiting for him.

And Again

Sitting at R.’s bed, drinking tea and thinking about going at least to the info session at the uni. We just had sex, smoked cigarettes and now I am back ‘in order’.

Lets Do It

Yesterday I was waiting for R. to come back from the bank so much. I was yearning for him. As I understood he hadn’t been there this year yet so when he came back, it was a nice surprise, because he came with a “gift” from the bank- a calendar for 2010. and a champagne with bank’s logo and a post card with greetings from colleagues. So I understood we would have a nice evening. I had cd with music from movies, such as Godfather (he likes this film and we have watched Godfather II together) or Lost in Translation. So he put his table in the middle of the room, took champagne, lit a little candle and switched off the light. It wasn’t that luscious romanticism. It was really nice. After some time one of the flat-mates knocked on our door, I was already angry. But then it turned out he offered us sushi his girlfriend has made so we also had 4 big sushi. Nice. We were drinking champagne and he was joking if we eat sushi first and then have sex or the other way round. We ate sushi first, if I remember correctly. I must say I don’t like sushi and I don’t eat them, but these with homemade sauce were really really tasty.  And then it happened again. I really enjoy sex with him. I feel so gooood, when he is on top of me, doing it hard and fast. Or when he is close to my back or I am lying on my side. Or when he is between my legs.. This happens seldom, however, I really enjoy oral pleasures, but not the way he does it. But I believe it will be improved. Otherwise I can say he is almost perfect. Sometimes he also whispers in my ear “like?” or something like that. He said he liked when women say something dirty.

So he came once. But the thing is that when he comes once, I only start to be really horny and start to take all my clothes off. Then after some minutes we are doing it again. And then again, however, he is tired. And then it might go wild. Sometimes I think we will break his bed. I said him I hoped it wasn’t the time I go completely crazy. It hasn’t happened with him yet. But I might go really really mad and crazy and do ANYTHING. At some point he asked if I was drunk, I said no, and I really wasn’t. He said he could fulfill any fantasy of mine and asked me to come on top of him. It’s hard for me to do so, however, if he helps, it’s fantastic. Plus some time ago he said he really liked to see my breasts in front of him and I could really see he loved it. He looks like crazy. But I said it wasn’t a fantasy- being in top of him. I said fantasy is something more crazy. In my case it is related to fastening, violence and such common fantasies as more than one person, person of the same gender and so on. But it’s almost for anyone.

We are making love without condoms. He is out of me far before he comes. And I trust him, he is experienced enough to be able to control himself. Yes, I know. It’s unsafe. However, I know that what has to happen, will happen anyway. And maybe it’s even safer than to use condoms which are breaking. Ok, I know it’s not. But there is no pleasure, when condoms are used. Almost no pleasure at all, both for me and him. I don’t want to use pills or other hormonal agents. So I am still thinking. There is stress, and the day when menstruation starts is happy as hell. So I have to think about it more till I will feel safer.

So I wanted to go home with the last train, however, I understood I couldn’t. I was lying there only in my bra, my legs were opened in front of him, he looked at me. I was like a whore. He has said me old whores lie like that. That’s when he lies like that, because he thinks it’s wrong for a guy to lie like that, because it doesn’t look sexual at all. But when women lies like that, it looks alluring. And I fully agree with him. So I stayed with him that night again. And I loved it.

I didn’t mean to write about sex here (at least to write that much), plus it’s more like only our own intimate adventure. However, I don’t really care, as not so many people are reading this. And I don’t feel shame. So I will continue writing about our relationship even if these note will become too intimate. It’s my diary. And in my diary I write what I want. I write to save.

I am listening to Damien Rice, Blowers daughter. And actually I, he, we, almost anyone know I am not with him because of sex. Yes, it’s important in our relationship, but not the most important thing. Do I love him? Not yet, I must say. I yearn, I wait, I cry, I want. But not love. No, not now, not yet. When…, if at all?… I don’t know. Or maybe I don’t realize or don’t admit it. But my feelings definitely grow. Where are we going? Why? Why now? I don’t know. I don’t have answers. Only He who made it possible knows what is going on and what will go on.

God, thanks, no matter, what. I truly believe in you and I believe your will is not variable.

A Calm Evening

I am at R.’s flat now. He is out for some time. I am listening to the cd I have taken with me today, reading materials for Managerial Economics and waiting when he will come back from bank, where he has some responsibilities to deal with. It’s so calm and nice evening now, however, short time ago we had an argument.

The argument was about the fact that I didn’t reply to his message today. He wrote me Good morning and sent smileys and kisses and some more messages. And I didn’t reply. I don’t even know, why. He said he was ready to give up our relationship while he was waiting for my message. Maybe he really could, he is quite impulsive and burning. He is sagittarius and he can do something stupid just because he thinks something is wrong or if he is jealous or something like that. And it really makes me sick, because there was no particular reason. However, I know I should feel sorry. I was at home as I missed my bus to the capital and didn’t go to the school again. Plus my mum didn’t leave me money to go to the capital, because she thinks I am kicked out of the school and I will be kicked out if I continue this way. Anyway I went to the capital to meet him today. Plus I went to the university’s library to take materials for Managerial Economics course and to take a paper that I still study there. I got this paper today so now I will be able to give it to them. I believe they are really worried about what is going on. And maybe they even have a reason. I really have to do something about my studies. To act NOW. But somehow it’s so hard.

Almost

I just almost went home, I was getting ready to go out to the station and go home and R. wanted to come with me to the station and then I decided to check timetable for trains, just in case. Well, it was the case as train was going 10 minutes sooner than it used to. Maybe because a new year has started. So I believe we will have sex now again. Aaagh.

And I am going with the next train.

Retention

It’s hard to be with R. I understand he needs attention, he is jealous, sometimes aggressive and so on. But I am still with him. We just had some kind of argument, because he thought I was somewhere else, not next to him. Because I was writing here. But I am with him all the time, when I am here. Or almost all the time. So he becomes nervous and he wanted I to sit next to him, embrace him, kiss him, hold his hand. But I am sitting with my laptop, saying nothing and writing instead. So bad thoughts come in his mind. I know he needs attention, but I just want to preserve my feelings somewhere, I don’t want to forget a single moment, I want to conserve this feeling in a jar or anywhere else just to be able to come back to this moment and enjoy it one more time and one more time and then again. A thousand times maybe. Or even more. I am enjoying every moment with him. I am looking to him as I am writing, while he feels lonely.

I have never been able to express my feelings loudly. I don’t know. I don’t know how it should be, what is right and what is wrong. I just know that I am with him. And I love this feeling. I absolutely enjoy this period.

I am sorry. I am so so so sorry that he has to suffer from it.

Am I Jealous?

R. just wrote me that the girl who used to live in that flat is back again. I know what girl he is talking about. The girl who was living there before and coming to him, they had sex and so on. He said me this some time ago- that when he woke up, he turned on music and it was as a sign for her that she can come. And now he writes she is back. I pretended I didn’t know what he is talking about and asked what girl is it, maybe I know. He said I didn’t know, that she’s a young girl and wrote her name. I didn’t answer. He asked  if I was worried. I asked him back if there was a reason to be worried. He wrote back that from his side he thinks no, but that she came to him in summer quite often. I just wrote him “Then good luck!”. He wrote back if I was indifferent. I didn’t answer. And he called and asked if I was angry. He seemed really worried. He said it was just like a joke. Yeah, joke. Maybe for him it is like a joke, but for me not. He said we have discussed these things. Oh, yes, we are, he has cheated his women every time he has had chance to do so. He has had enormous number of women, I am even afraid to write it here. He is crazy about women. And now she is there. He said me they were just drinking coffee. Yes, of course. He is lying. He himself said it to me, that they were having sex! Am I jealous? Oh, yes, but he will never find it out. He asked when will I come to him, I said I didn’t know. He said he hoped that soon, I said I didn’t know. He asked when or maybe I am even thinking not to come again at all. I said I can do so, if I am not needed there. He tried to calm me down, I just said he started this. And he said we would speak later. He was worried as well.

I only know, that I will not allow to make fool out of me. He can do what he wants. But then without me. He is so jealous! He is jealous every time I mention a guy, he just asks, if I have slept with that guy. He is jealous because I have a very close friend guy. And he is so suspicious. But Jesus, he is far more older, he has lived together with about 30 women, he has been married three times. And has cheated his women. And he is jealous, when I talk about guys? Who should be jealous here? He shouldn’t have be so dishonest in his own life, then he wouldn’t think everybody else is dishonest and unfaithful. And now he writes she is back. Why is she back? Fuck.

And he called me and asked if I wanted him to say sorry. I said I didn’t, because there was nothing to say sorry about. However, if he did, I would be happy. He also said me not to be angry. I said him he shouldn’t have teased me. He said he was happy I was annoyed. He thinks it shows I love him. He admitted he was glad it annoys me. Fuck it. I said it wasn’t the best way how to find it out. He also said he was sorry he acted as a child sometimes. Oh, yes. Then he called two times or so again. He said he hoped our relationship is based on honesty between each other. I slowly said I ho- pe- so- too! And he asked what I would do now, I said I would go to my neighbor to drink coffee. A long silent pause. And then he started to speak about other things. And said he thought it was not a good idea to make war with me. Plus said that the girl, lets call her J., has asked him what has happened during this time she wasn’t there and he has said her he had no time to talk to her, because he has to speak to his girlfriend. Yeah, right. She might see it as even a bigger challenge for her. Fuck.

He wrote me message he was honest and all he has said to me is true. And that no-one knows what I know. And that it is very important for him what happens between us. I wrote back that if it was so, then he should think with the right head.

I haven’t experienced such feelings for a long time if I have experienced it at all. FUCK.

Rumination

R. has introduced me to new things. No, not introduced. Hmm, how to say it- I have started to pay more attention to things I didn’t pay so much attention to before. For example, I have started to enjoy cooking and ask mum what and how and how much and so on. I am not supposed to live with him so soon, if I live with him at all. But because of things happening now, I have started to think about it more. I mean about living together and taking care of household. About things I can and things I cannot, about tidying rooms, cooking and all those activities I actually really enjoy, but cannot do very well, cuz I don’t do it so often. Otherwise I really love it. Just being with him leads me to thinking about such things.

I was cooking with my mum today. We made pork chops and I also wrote him about it. He said he would like to know how I make it, how it tastes.

I also feel what he is doing. He is pausing now. He is not sending so many messages today as he used to. So I am waiting endlessly and my only chance is to send messages myself. However, I am not doing this either. He is trying to seduce me by this pausing, waiting, what happens. He is not the first guy who does this. And they think they are very witty and clever! Ha! Men!

Actually I really miss him this evening. Really. I miss him so bad now. I wish he was here or at least called me. But it seems he won’t. Huh.

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