Life Is A Miracle

I am home for the second day, but I am yearning for him so much. So we arranged a meeting today, but not that I am going to the capital, but he comes to my side by train, I get into this train and we are going some stops further than I live. [...]

I really, really yearn for him. I have never yearned so much for him. He just wrote me a message that he also yearns for me and will try to go to bed just so that it would be easier.

I have yearned for other guys like that, but not for him.

Today I woke up after 9 by my alarm clock on the phone as I had choir’s concert today. Later it turned out it was some kind of memorial event as a famous person has died. But it was really a memorial event not a funeral itself. So I had to go home, [...]

Yesterday I was waiting for R. to come back from the bank so much. I was yearning for him. As I understood he hadn’t been there this year yet so when he came back, it was a nice surprise, because he came with a “gift” from the bank- a calendar for 2010. and [...]

I am at R.’s flat now. He is out for some time. I am listening to the cd I have taken with me today, reading materials for Managerial Economics and waiting when he will come back from bank, where he has some responsibilities to deal with. It’s so calm and nice evening now, [...]

I am so calm and peaceful now. I don’t know, why, but I am not worried, it doesn’t hurt anymore. I really don’t know, why. Some hours before I was crazy about it all. Now I am like “let it go”. It just came in my mind that all the good things come [...]

It hurts again. It’s not even love. I am going mad.  I don’t even want to be with him. I just want to meet him, I want that physical thing. And that’s all. And I want to see him, because I want to know, what happens. Why he is not coming? Maybe there’s [...]

Yesterday I arranged with one guy that I and That Guy can stay in his flat for several nights. I don’t really know, for how many. Heart attack might visit me or I may just go mad. hehe And I have no idea for how long time I can withstand him or he [...]

For sure. I am fed up.

Sometimes I think I will just kill him.

He complains that he is getting old. That eyes are not so bright anymore but becomes grey instead. That there are grooves in the brow. But he is only 21!

It seems he will come the next week. He says he doesn’t want to come “with empty hands” to me. But I need [...]

I haven’t slept all night. My friend said she and her mother haven’t slept as well, it was a new moon- that’s what she said to me today. However, I think, that there is another reason for my sleepless night. Moreover, it doesn’t happen like that very often with me so I think [...]

Shit, how I hate this. Again it comes to my mind. It feels like if I am dying slowly.

There are only two chances-

1. He fuckin’ loves me, adores me, misses me.

2. He fuckin’ loves someone else, adores, misses.

No other chances. And no real clues. It [...]